Every seeker wants Enlightenment. Most people perceive that to be a state of ongoing bliss and oneness and believe that after that, life is easy and simple forever after, because of the eternal expansion into the beyond. While it is true that there is something called “the enlightenment experience” which has all of these characteristics, the true enlightened life is something quite different. The bliss is not the emotional experience we can know through the ego. It is beyond that. This truth is revealed overtime, bit-by-bit as we grow into who we are and loose our ego identity. Some parts of the learning are guaranteed; We have to first recognize who we are beyond our mind and body to the point that a shift of perspective, of context occurs, but then we have to crash and come down from the enlightenment high. We need the courage to admit that every experience wears off, even after a few years, that clarity can be lost again and that identification with the mind can come back. That nothing is permanent and that to reach higher peaks we need to pass through different valleys. Failing is an essential part of the path. When we have spiritual success our ego grows side by side, when we fail, it is diminished and is ground down. The Enlightenment experience is the end of the search but surely the beginning of the path. (Or as I often say, the search moves from the horizontal to the vertical dimension) Often it takes the loss of that experience, for us to be truly committed to the discipline of the spiritual life. We have seen paradise. We have tasted the natural state and now it is gone What is left is that we are constantly confronted with our failing, our fears, clinging and despair. We must open, and open deeper into the pain and fear, letting it cook us, break us and pulverize us, so we can truly disappear as a separate self. When we do not have the proper understanding, the proper context, the valleys are very difficult to move through. What follows is my own experience of this process. May it be of help to other travelers on the path. By the mid nineties my life looked like I had made it. At least on the outside. I lived in India in a very beautiful area outside of town. I was a respected member of the ashram that I was a part of. (Osho’s) I loved the work I did as a therapist, the relationship I was in was wonderful, rewarding and fun. At least that was what I was telling myself. The house we had built up was splendid; we had several servants, cats, dogs, fishponds etc. We lived the successful life of the neo sannyasin. Daily meditation was comfortable; I had come to settle in the comfort of knowing how to leave the mind behind and experience bliss. I had found a good refuge from pain. What more could I ask for? I told myself I was fulfilled, denying the fact that I was always feeling inferior to my lover because I brought in a lot less money, denying that I felt deeply insecure about my capacities as a therapist and denying so many other little facts. In fact denial had become my way of life and I can see in retrospect that I vaguely knew it always, but it was too threatening to admit it to myself. Compensation was an art that I had mastered since early childhood. Then one day my lover left. The hole I fell in was profound; it was as if every time I fell into that hole it became deeper. Determined to finish with it once and for all (ego always thinks in terms of permanent elimination) I dove into it for about a year and did some intense therapy, until I rediscovered the Awareness intensive group. In this group you ask yourself the koan: “Who am I” from very early morning till late at night. The “results” were amazing. For the next year I participated in each and every one of these 3 or 7-day groups. Usually it would take me 24 hours of struggling before I would pop into another dimension; the realm of oneness, clarity and peace. I got addicted to the highs, as they would lift me straight out of all my unresolved pain. I learned how to “do” it. Popping koans became my specialty. For a while I would come down as soon as the group was over but then it started to happen that the highs would not go down anymore. The clarity would not leave me anymore and peace was more or less permanently present. In other words I had accumulated a lot of energy (shakti). Now greater breakthroughs and greater revelations came. I was finally free from all my suffering!! I had found a way out!! I even remember now some thoughts that were immediately dismissed like: “Now I never have to worry about money anymore, I have what everyone wants”. “Now I never have to bother about sex and relating anymore cause I am beyond them”. The ego was always lurking just by the side and in a way I knew it but I was too ignorant about the true mechanics of the mind to fully realize what that meant. I told myself that I was staying clear of ego because I was aware of it. I looked in Osho’s words for a context to understand my precise situation but did not find much. May be I did not know how to formulate the question because I thought that I was already enlightened but I found nothing much that was truly helpful. I felt very alone and thought that this is what he meant when he said that in the end you are alone and I decided to trust my experience. For a while I met with a woman who had declared herself enlightened and she helped me clear away some doubt. On top of it she gave me all the conformation I was looking for! (This is exactly what the mind wants: confirmation, and so unconsciously we look for someone who will give it to us) However the most dominant experience was one of joy and peace. The shift was dramatic and profound. I wanted to share it immediately with whoever wanted to hear it. There was a very genuine and naive sense of wanting to help others out of their suffering. The intention was clean and innocent as far as I could see. Not knowing that as long as there is ego our intention is never 100% pure. Someone later described people who declare their enlightenment prematurely as little girls who dress up in their mother’s clothes and wear high heels pretending they are adults. It was a bit like that, now that I look back. I felt like a kid with a bag of candy that I wanted to share. And even though friends avoided me like the plague eventually people showed up who wanted to hear what I had to say. Many seekers today (Like I had been myself) want only one thing and that is to be lifted out of their pain with a shortcut, and shortcuts I had! Of course they were in awe. I was generating a lot of cosmic energy; everyone in the room could feel it and whomever I talked to or looked at, shifted for some time into a state beyond the mind. I was blown away by it as well. I was loved and revered. I finally felt worthy of that love as well. Pride started to slip in. After all this person that had been humiliated so often (me) had made it and was someone. I saw the pride but told myself that because I was seeing it, it did not matter. Everything was anyway all happening in the ONE and therefore temporary. My fame grew fast, more and more people attended the satsangs and had great awakening experiences. They were the proof of my “rightness”. My ego swelled up again a little more. From time to time the old insecurity knocked on my door but I would not open. I did not want to acknowledge that it was there. You have to understand the very delicate situation one is in. You feel like you have transcended suffering, which had been the motive for the search all along. And then to realize that this is not true is not an easy feast. The ego will fight it. The soul has an imprint of ego protections that is centuries old. It does not give way that easily. For many years on the path, all we want from the search is freedom from suffering. Only much later is our intention pure and clean enough for us to only want what is, howsoever painful or uncomfortable it may be. So I felt very expanded because the awakening was strong and I could channel huge amounts of energy and did not really know that they were all passing through the ego and were therefore colored by it. All the while my ego was expanding beyond its wildest fantasies, without me being very aware of it. It became more and more transparent and smart and spiritual, it told itself it is nobody and it is not there!!! And it succeeded very well at fooling even itself. This ego is very smart. Because I kept sharing every pitfall I saw with my students, I thought that I was free of it. Not seeing that sharing was not enough for the ego to lay low. That it needs absolute dedication and willingness to stay vigilant at all times. That it needs the scalpel of the surgeon all the time!! The thing is through the sharing I believed that I was doing WAS being honest and vigilant. And to some extend of course that was also true. The enlightenment experience is always a mixture of clear and honest intention and a power hungry ego. If we do not have an alive teacher at the time of awakening, we are in great trouble. We simply cannot travel alone at this point; precisely because we can hardly see the ego by ourselves. My fame kept growing and tirelessly I traveled the planet, thinking I was doing something very good for humanity. Now I see that it was the old primal story all over again: I needed to help everyone who was in pain otherwise I had no right of existing. Burn out came after two years. I had to stop. The body collapsed and I was shocked to find the first thing that arose when the doctor said I needed to rest was: “Who will love me now?” In a way that was the beginning of the fall. Of course honest as I was, I shared all this with the students in satsang, showing how much ego is still accompanying this awakening experience. I shared my pain and errors and found to my amazement that not many wanted to hear the truth if it did not sound blissful. Over the four years that I was teaching, I found that rarely someone wanted to hear the truth. Many people come to this type of satsang because they want to be told that there are shortcuts and often they want to adore someone. Not many want to hear about the painstaking work of purifying our minds and healing our pains. In fact, in the satsangs, the jokes about working on yourself are plenty full. The beauty as well as the difficulty of our time is that the spiritual knowledge and secrets are available at the click of a mouse. All the scriptures are public. In the past this was not the case, information was given only in relation to the students/disciples advancing in practice and experience. Now we do not have to practice meditation or doing any hard work in order to receive the teaching and so the danger is that we only absorb the teaching in a mental way. In the meantime I had moved into a relationship (after much initial protest from my side) and this provided another reality check. I was not as beyond as I thought I was. Learning to love and be loved provided and still provides endless lessons. I took a year off and met with a lot of old childhood pain and present loneliness. First only my old friends had despised me but I had been welcomed with open arms into the satsang community, but now also the satsang community threw me out. I was not supposed to feel pain and be honest about it. Finally though, I was being able to welcome it and feel it without further manipulation. I took some months in silence and started to feel again the need to meditate. (Of course in the years of being nobody there had been no one to meditate) Still all the while I enjoyed mostly the bliss and peace of being at one. Then the real hit came. My best friend and working partner was diagnosed with cancer. For some months we kept it up, saying that it was okay. That we felt no fear or pain, that dying was as good as living and that everything that comes must also go again. But then we cracked, both of us. I spent the last weeks at her side, nursing her at home until she died in my arms. That split me right in two. There was simply so much pain. I was overwhelmed by it, consumed by it, helpless with it and bewildered by the fact that I was feeling all this again. My sharing became again more honest, I no longer pretended anything anymore or offered miracles and shortcuts. Of course people came less and less. Slowly I saw that what was left was a handful of sincere seekers whom I actually had not much more to offer than my friendship and limited wisdom and experience. I realized that I was longing for guidance. I was looking left and right in old and new teachings until I found what I was looking for in my new teacher Aziz. His Zen hits were painful and not always welcomed but over time I understood more and received for the first time a map of reality that resonated with me. My own master had been too wide, too rich for me to see a clear and practical path. He spoke about so many practices and left it to me what to choose. This had brought me were I was. I felt and feel a deep respect and gratitude for him but I needed more. I needed personal guidance from an alive teacher. Now I found this very precise teaching that resonated in my soul as a reflection of reality. He guided me in my practice and taught me a complete new way of meditation. He also told me to stop teaching but I was afraid to stop. It was my only source of income I believed that I needed the money, I needed the recognition and I needed somehow the position (more for myself than for others). But above all I needed to NOT let myself know THAT IT WAS OVER. That I had had an amazing opening and enlightening experience. One that lasted for years even and that bit-by-bit it had slipped away. Slowly I have come to understand that corruption lives in all of us and that it is not entirely possible to not be corrupt. After all we do most everything we do for ourselves. By keeping the meetings going I could still tell myself that it was not over. I could continue to dream a bit more and tell myself that it would pick up again. Or worse I would blame it on the low quality motivation of the seekers that it was not happening anymore. But life is generous when the intention is honest. I prayed daily for truth and sincere prayers are always heard. I moved to the west, to the country I was born in, and found it extremely difficult to adjust to that culture after 16 years in India. There came a time where there was no more money. Friends and family needed to keep us afloat. Now I truly crashed. The entire shadow side of the personality appeared. The ego had grown stronger, (it keeps growing side by side with our realizations. The more powerful we become the more powerful the ego also becomes.) The super ego came back with a vengeance. The self-torture and self-blame returned with the force of a tornado. The Shadow was here, presenting itself loud and clear. I thought that I had met my shadow a long time ago but never to this depth. Shadow exist in relation to light, the more light, the bigger the shadow I found out. All of a sudden I was identified again with almost each and every single thought. I was emotional from morning till night, apart from the hours that I meditated. And meditate I did, and pray, and move my body to ward off the depression till it could not be warded off anymore. I was in hell and realized that the healing had to happen right here in hell. The money was finished, I started to take a cleaning job and was ready to take any job still dreaming to some extend that after this all was over a new miracle would happen and I would be magically lifted out of here again. And life would be forever good. But truth does not live in the presence of hope. Giving up our hopes is one of the many prices we have to pay for the priceless pearl. The ego screamed and screamed. It simply did not want to part with the glorious times. My entire life with all its undigested and denied pains came for another round. Thoughts of suicide were my companions. Without the support of my partner and some dear friends, family and some good healers, it would all have been a lot more difficult. The love that I received was so supportive and healing. Nevertheless I was really lost and only partly grasped what was going on. I needed help. One thing was clear, that there was no way out but only a way through, my only interest became to stay present in the pain and whatever emotion presented itself. I felt lower than I had ever been, and it started to glimpse that: to go down is to go up. I was grateful that my teacher came to the west for another silent retreat!! However, at the end of that one-week he announced that he was going to live in seclusion and would no longer be available as a guide and teacher! Once again on my own and not fully realizing what was happening I prayed for help. My great luck was that a book fell into my lap called Half way up the mountain by Mariana Caplan. It brought all the missing pieces in the understanding. This book was about me. It was my story in detail. Here I read about each and every pitfall I had fallen into. It gave me a positive context and sufficient information about the process I was going through. Reading that book was like being in retreat. It reminded me again and again that there was a healing power in this crisis. That is was what I wanted. My dignity was restored again when I started to understand that this is a mechanical response in the mind and not a personal failure or trip. My suffering became more dignified. I learned that disillusionment is not only necessary on the path but a true gift of the Grace of God. It is like you are being weaned off the breast of God and allowed to walk. Of course you fall left and right like any toddler does but eventually you will find balance and walk. The fall from paradise seems in truth an integral part of the enlightenment process. In fact some teachers say that you have to earn it to deserve it. When we realize that the path we are on is not at all what we thought it would be, and that reality is something completely different than all our illusions about it, we are shocked. This is not an easy transition to make. It is extremely painful and it feels like being skinned alive. And yet this pain magically opens us deeper to what and who we are. Enlightenment comes to life when we embrace our endarkenment in the very same way. We realize deeply that our human reality will always be here, that pain will always be here, that suffering is an integral part of human life. Either we suffer unconsciously or we do it consciously. We realize that the freedom we thought we had found in the bliss and joy of the Enlightenment high is not the real freedom at all. It is much deeper. It is truly accepting what IS. By the time I had finished reading the book the let go was complete. I closed down all teaching activities, cancelled my ticket to India and am ready for a new chapter in this adventure called life. This time it can happen right here where I am. And I truly do not know anything about where this is going. No hope and no plan. Om shanti. Rani (October 2004)

While walking, sitting, cooking, working, singing or watching TV sense you arms and your legs from within without trying to change anything and without valuing what you are finding. Sensing them just as they factually, physically feel. ( hot, cold, flowing, stuck, frozen, etc).
This is a very powerful practice the heal the fundamental split between the inner and the outer.
If you add looking and keep 55 % of the energy in the sensing of the arms and legs and only 45 % into the looking you become very anchored in the here and now.

Passionately present in my own life.
           Who am I without my inner judge? Who am I? This is the age old question that accompanies every seeker on the path. It is the koan that makes us take risks, jump out of our habitual ways of being and living, challenges the boundaries of our personality and makes us reach for the impossible. We follow different teachings to show us the way back to ourselves. We may travel to the other side of the globe to be with our master or teacher; no mountain is too high, no valley too low… Once the question has arisen, the thirst is here and wants to be quenched. Through all kinds of groups and practices of meditation, inquiry and prayer we reach great openings and experience states of freedom, often only to fall back into old patterns. How come this happens again and again? What is the mechanism responsible for this? How come we do not manage to support ourselves unconditionally and wholly? How come we do not recognize the beauty of our soul to such an extent that we let nothing and nobody create separation in us? How is it possible that even though our bodies grow older, many people, when asked, report that their inner feeling is rather like that of a child? And that at closer observation it turns out that they often do not have a direct felt sense of their adult body but again a rather psychological sense of who they are. How come we do not manage to be fully present and be here/now? What blocks our access to our essence, our true nature? One of the mechanisms that is probably the main obstacle to our embodied self realization is what has been called the Inner Judge or the Super Ego. It is that part in our psychic structure that constantly judges, pushes and manipulates the experience of the present moment. So far only few people have developed a direct work on the Super ego. AH Almaas writes: "The superego is in reality the most structured and most highly developed part of the psychic structure or ego. It becomes the inner regulating agency, containing one's adopted and developed moral codes and standards of being and action...The individual, in other words, learns to approve of in himself what his parents approved of, and to disapprove of what they disapproved of. What is disapproved of becomes mostly pushed out of consciousness, relegated to the unconscious; and so these defense mechanism are ultimately forms or repression...." Osho has referred to the Super Ego as conscience: “Conscience is a pseudo thing. Conscience is created in you by the society. It is a subtle method of slavery. The society teaches you what is right and what is wrong. And it starts teaching the child before the child is aware, before the child can decide on his own what is right and what is wrong, before the child is even conscious of what is happening to him, before the child is even awake....” In recent years I had a good opportunity to meet and understand this mechanism deeply. For about 5 years I experienced the bliss and emptiness of simply being here. During this time I was completely unhindered by the judge. I did not need to keep its inner company. Aloneness was bliss, emptiness was peace and there was a deep sense of having come home. I could, if I wanted to, still detect it at the very periphery of my awareness but my attention was with the bliss of my experience and I was not interested at all in what the voice had to say. I had no clear understanding of how the relentless commentary in my mind had all of a sudden come to a stop. When people asked me how “to do it” I had no answer other than to say: Don’t listen to it, which not many managed to do. Then the death of a close friend threw me back into the world of form and pain and of the great disillusionment of being thrown out of paradise. With that “fall”, the super ego made its come back with a fury. It had been lurking by the side for 5 years (without me understanding its functioning) and grabbed the first moment of weakness to jump in and try to put me back in a very old place. (“See that you are nothing? Now everyone can see that you are fake! I told you, you would never get enlightened. You have cheated everyone!” etc) It was so overwhelming that for some time I totally believed what it said and collapsed in depression as a result of it. After some time I called a friend to share my distress and he said very cheerful: Don’t listen to your super ego! And all of a sudden it dawned on me again that I was not wrong, that I had just blindly fallen prey to the relentless fury of a mechanism inside that was not even personal. A mechanism that functions totally automatically and mechanically and is therefore not always so easy to recognize. In the year that followed I started to observe and study this phenomenon in myself and others deeply. Reading different books, following groups, retreats and a specific training on the subject. The “monster” was unmasked and visible and while it is experientially real, it also shows to be as illusory as the rest of the mind. Nevertheless, as Avikal wrote in his group description: The most important step to fully be myself and actualize my individuality is to learn to defend against the attacks of the judge by developing focused alertness and skillful means. While this is not the place to give an elaborate psychological chart of our ego, super ego and its functioning it might be interesting to stop for a moment and ask yourself the following questions: Am I fully present right now? Do I have a full physical sense of my body? Am I in my senses? Am I aware of my exquisite preciousness and beauty? And can I feel that? Am I connected to my heart right now? If not, then what am I connected to ? Am I relaxed? How do I actually experience myself right now? Is it factual or psychological? Most probably the answer to quite a few of these questions is no. Instead of presence you may find judgment about the fact that you are the way you are. Often these judgments appear in the “I” form with our own voice, like: “Oh, I am again not present”, “I will never get it”, and we immediately believe these thoughts. When we do that, we turn against ourselves and experience some measure of contraction somewhere in the system. We move away from ourselves and from presence. We do not even recognize that these voices have their origin outside of ourselves. After such an attack our life continues from behind a veil of shame and guilt and our energy and body are shut down to some extent. If the judgment comes in “you” form, (“You are so stupid. When will you ever learn. How long have you been meditating? You might as well stop now”) it may be easier to recognize as a voice that is not intrinsically yours. But then again: Whose voice is it? And even more so, why do we listen to it? As said before, it is the internalized voice of our parents, telling us how we should and should not be, the inner judge. This judge still believes that we need protection from reality, just as our parents did. It tells us where to focus and what to believe. In fact the judge is nothing else but an accumulation of very fixed beliefs. The negative beliefs speak for themselves (e.g. life is dangerous, people will always cheat you) while the positive beliefs are a bit more tricky. For example, the judge may believe in qualities like strength, courage, value and compassion but it believes that you can acquire them through doing. It does not know that there are intrinsic qualities that we are born with. So it may praise you when you make a lot of effort and “do” good. It may make you feel good for the moment but that feeling good is very conditionally based on what you do and not on who you are. The moment you do not “produce” the wanted state anymore, condemnation will hammer you down. The voice of the inner judge constantly pushes you to create particular qualities, e.g. as a seeker and beats you up when you don’t manage to produce them. Each time we follow the judge it is a form of self betrayal and we unconsciously relive the wounds of the past. No wonder that our inborn intelligence does not appear anymore. No wonder we get sick, as judgment is the original auto- immune disease. It creates self-rejection as opposed to self-defense. It is not surprising that there is often some measure of anxiety running in the background of our experience. You may find that there are places in your life where the judge is more dominant. Let us take sex, money and relationships for example. In our childhood there was often a lot of condemnation of our instincts, so the judge has attached itself to our three basic instincts; the sexual, the survival and the social one. That is why the attack is often so immediate. When we find ourselves in a situation that threatens our survival we will immediately find the judge there, reinforcing old beliefs about scarcity. “Don’t spend so much money, like this you will anyway be broke soon” “Look at the world, the entire economy is going down”, “If you act like this you will never make it, better hurry up and do something” In this way we stay within the frame of scarcity and only reinforce it and feel frustrated because we do not find a way out. When you are meeting a beautiful woman or a beautiful man that turns you on, there it will show and tell you that: “Don’t even try, you know you are not attractive. He/she will anyway reject you. Look at yourself! “ Shutting down your joy and juice. In relating to others it can tell you that you are not good enough, that no one will like you or see you. Better you hide from the beginning otherwise you only get hurt. Or just the opposite: “Puff yourself up. Show that you are somebody, let them see who you are!!!” Etc. etc. the examples are endless and painful. The judge stops us in our tracks. It blocks spontaneity and builts up stress and tension as the natural flow of energy is interrupted. Why would any intelligent being keep listening to these voices? Why did we not leave them behind after our first group or first dynamic meditation, thrown it out once and for all? There are many reasons. Let us look at a few fundamental ones. First of all it is the glue that keeps our conditioning in place. The imprints are often cellular and out of our direct conscious reach. We need to access them through the felt sense in the body. Most of all we listen because we feel so lost and are consciously or unconsciously always looking for guidance and support. In the ideal childhood father is there to guide us into the world, providing support in the vast unknown that we are facing as toddlers. Of course for most of us this was not the situation. Father was rather absent or angry or castrated himself. Already disconnected from the source (which provides eternal and natural support) the child desperately needed some guidance and there was nothing else there but the ideas and beliefs of the parents and the child’s direct sense of loss of Self. As a child we need a sense of identity to know who we are once we lost our original face. We cling to whatever is given. We lose ourselves before we can think and determine for ourselves what is right and what is wrong. So we depend entirely on others. ( Our relationship with the Super Ego is the root of all Co Dependency ) We cling so much that even when the parents no longer tell us what to do we have internalized their voices and cling to this company. It gives us the illusion of support and of having a certain identity and image. You may again want to stop reading for a moment and ask yourself what support means in your life? Do you feel you have it? Do you feel its absence? How was it for you as a child? Do you look for support outside of yourself or into the core of your being? You probably recognize absence in some form or other. The truth is that there is eternal and unconditional support available to us, AT ANY TIME. It is not something we have to built up. It is already here. We haven’t even lost it. The only thing that got lost is our connection to it. We have an inbuilt knowingness that life is here to support us, that we are capable of doing what we need to be doing. It brings the trust that we are okay as we are. When we reconnect to this inner support we find a deep sense of relaxation and ease of being. We no longer crave guidance from this judge. We reconnect with the true guide within. We no longer crave company. We enjoy being ourselves. Which brings us to another aspect of why we hold on to our Super Ego. If we let go of our Super Ego , we let go of our parents and when we let go of our parents we let go of the child. And with that we let go of our identity. Mostly this frightens us, as we are not accustomed to so much open space and energy. We carry beliefs that we need to know what we want to do before we do it. We believe that we cannot function from open space. The truth is that here real life starts, because here we finally leave survival behind. Instead of having a self image we ARE ourselves. We can say: “Here I am, passionately present in my own life. I am here to actualize my full potential” Perhaps take another moment to feel yourself and notice how the above is affecting you. Can you conceive of yourself as completely free? Can you imagine yourself without the weight of your conditioning? Being spacious and open? Fully alive and fully conscious? If not, know that what is holding you back is your Super Ego. Now of course the question arises: How to do this? How to deal with this? The more we want to grow, the more we step out of the boundaries of society, the more active the judge can be. The more groups we do, the more we meditate, the more our survival is at stake from the judge’s point of view. It will do whatever it can to maintain the status quo. (And remember, it beliefs that this will bring you success and that it guarantees your survival) It takes some determination to make the effort to know yourself so deeply. To effectively deal with the judge it will need a commitment from your side. Often we need some support. Here I can share a few guidelines to orient you towards your true nature instead of engaging with the judge. First “rule” is : extend your awareness. When under attack we tend to focus on the contraction and pain and we become oblivious to everything else that is going on. Personality versus being From Bondage to Freedom # 42 Personality is borrowed. It is what others have made of you. Individuality is your nature. It is what you have brought from your very birth with you. The guide helps you to destroy the personality. The moment the personality falls apart, suddenly you discover your original face. And your original face is always a tremendous transformation. You have got hold of your natural being, of your spontaneity, of your freedom. And these are the basic elements which will help you in the way. Now you can move on your own, without any leader, without any father figure, without any pope, without any God. You feel a strange contentment with yourself. You feel whole unto yourself. So remember, whenever I say something or I give a message to you, it is simply to destroy your bondage, your chains, your imprisonment. I am not shaping your being, I am simply deprogramming you. Your being is already there, covered under so many programs Christian, Hindu, Mohammedan, communist. You are almost like an union. layers upon layers. My message is : start peeling those layers, And when you come to the very center of the onion there will be just nothingness in your hands, silence. From that silence, from that nothingness, everything becomes possible-- and you need not do anything. Just as the seed, finding the right soil, starts changing into a sprout.........The seed dies-- its death is absolutely necessary for the birth of the plant. And soon there will be a lush green bush full of flowers and fragrance. But your seed has been covered with so many layers of culture, etiquette, education, religion, country, that you have completely forgotten that you are here to grow, that you have to become a lush green bush full of flowers, fragrance, dancing in the wind and in the rain and in the sun. To me, that is religiousness. litterature: Avikal Constantino: The freedom to be oneself AH Almaas: Work on the Super Ego Byron Brown: Soul without Shame

How to support yourself in this act of self-love? We come to a master or a spiritual life because we want to be free of the chains that bind us to our past. That hinder us to be spontaneous, alive and passionately present in our own life. Mostly we want to feel better and finally be happy. Then we hear the teacher say it all the time: “Let meditation be on top of your laundry list”. “Make meditation your first priority”. Why does it seem so important to have a daily regular practice of meditation? And why does it appear so difficult for many? Every human being has a consciousness but unless it is nourished, unless it is awakened, nourished and supported it will not grow. It will remain only a seed, a possibility. An average person may have only a few seconds a day of consciousness, of being aware of himself. A seeker seeks to be conscious every moment of the day. So our consciousness is not something that grows automatically as we grow older. It is not part of our biology. Existence leaves that up to us. We either expand it or not. We either spend time to nourish it or not. In our society there is hardly anything that supports this endeavor. We are constantly pulled out, the collective is full of fear and violence and we are constantly invited to consume. Most people that I know, are pretty clear that they want to be more conscious and that it is a very good idea to support themselves on a daily basis. Yet many report that they do not manage. They say things like: “I don’t have the discipline, I don’t find the time, My partner does not let me, I don’t like to be forced”, and other things like that. All sorts of excuses, that sound reasonable and with which they can convince themselves. Yet they suffer all kind of troubles and difficulties that could easily be reduced or eliminated would they find the key to support and love their daily meditation. What are those keys? In the first place become clear about what it is that you really want and get a realistic picture of what it takes to achieve that. We are dreamers and we love to hope that someday some miracle will happen and our life will change. But reality is different. Some understanding is needed. We cannot change ourselves but awareness WILL change us. Presence will bring more space into all of our activities. We don’t realize that WE are the miracle makers. If we don’t make the effort to expand, the collective effort to dominate us takes over. Now effort is a dirty word for many, which only points to misunderstanding. If you could experience that if you take time, every day, to expand your awareness, so that all of your goals will be achieved in an easier and smoother way, wouldn't you naturally choose that?) We are intelligent beings, when we notice the difference between pain and no pain we will choose no pain. So we need to have an extended experience so that we know from deep within. Here is a suggestion from one meditator to another. Make an experiment, make a commitment that is realistic. E.g. set a time to sit every day for 15 minutes for the next three weeks or whatever is reasonable for you. Do it first thing when you wake up. That is proven to be by far the easiest moment in the day, before you have time to listen to the objections in your mind. Don’t look for bliss in meditation, just be present to whatever it is that is going on. It is not about feeling good (even though often you may experience peace and quiet) but about being aware of what is here. A commitment, when taken from the right place, will hold you and support you in spite of the difficulties that may arise. Perseverance is needed, that is a fact we cannot skip which brings us to the next step. Begin to observe what are obstacles to your perseverance and commitment (without following them). We have an inner program that runs 24 hours a day which tells us what to do, which wants to keep us in place. Which is really objecting expansion and change. This is the part in us that has absorbed the voices of our father and mother and society and has transformed them into what we call the inner judge or inner critic. This is a fully mechanical mechanism that is part of the ego and not personal at all. In other words it is not our fault, nor the fault of our parents that it runs our life. This is how the system functions in this time and age. Often this is running unconsciously so we do not recognize that there is a force within that tries to prevent us from change. We don’t realize that first there was a voice telling us something like: “You will never manage cause you never finish what you set out to do” or “ Why would you meditate? You know it does not lead you anywhere” or “ You have something much more urgent to do”. That voice came before we believed that this is true. This inner judge is the glue that keeps our conditioning and our beliefs in place. It makes us feel weak, incapable and postponing. It makes us sabotage our own dreams and plans. It wants to keep us forever within the chains of the past, within the boundaries of the ego. Usually we do not like to confront this inner tyrant and saboteur, we rather complain about someone else. There are however simple ways to look it straight into the face and reclaim our birthright to be a free and unconditioned human being. Meditation is a direct threat to our conditioning as well as a direct way to liberate our energy and be free. And what needs perseverance now will eventually change into an unconditional effortless support from within. But we have to start where we are. It is really up to us. That is the very good news! Even the impossible is not impossible if resolution is there, and even the possible becomes impossible if one lacks will. The world we live in is our own creation. Osho As rivers seek out the ocean, so man if he wants to, can find the truth. No peak, no mountain can stop him, in fact their challenge awakens his sense of adventure. As the river finds the ocean, thirsty souls find the temple of God. But the thirst must be intense and the work tireless and the waiting without end and the calling with the whole heart. . Whatever is, observe it. Just be a witness. Just watch. If there is ego then watch ego. What else to do? Only watch and by watching the transformation happens. Trust in matter and you will live in hell. Trust in consciousness and you have the key to open the doors of the Kingdom of God. Escape is futile. Only transformation can help, and transformation needs deep acceptance of your being as you are. Published in German Osho Times 2006

My spiritual journey started in 1976 at the red sea in Israel. I felt lost in this world, there was so much pain in and around me, and I had hoped that a trip around the world (on bicycle) would bring a change. Of course the traveling only accentuated that the pain and the restlessness were inside of me. One day, I saw a big jellyfish lying on the beach and I was looking for the center, for the core of the animal and I could not find it. Out of nowhere I realized that I also did not have a center, and that it was very important to find that. At that time I also often mindlessly drew the Möbius sign in the sand (the sign of infinity, or an eight lying on its back). Without knowing the sign, it evoked a feeling in me that everything was somehow eternally connected. My energy and attention turned towards the inside. Of course I had no idea that this was the irrevocable beginning of a life long journey of self discovery. All this was followed by a period of deep depression, and instead of finding a spiritual teacher I found a psychotherapist who first helped me to get on my feet again. Later I found alternative therapists, and I learned oriental healing methods which brought me more in contact with myself and with my body. Throughout the years I had different teachers. Originally they were all of Zen tradition. Rarely did I have a female teacher. The spiritual world was full of male teachers, and I did not know any better. My thirst was deep, and I did not waste a lot of time. In a way, I can say that from that moment in 1976 rarely a day went by in which the search from my true nature did not come by, even though I was often looking in all the wrong places. At first I found enough food in Holland because I was connected to a Center that invited all kind of inspiring people to Amsterdam. But in the end I went on a journey and, after some detours, I landed in India at Osho’s feet, who became my spiritual teacher and master. In 1994 I was walking through the Nullah Park in Pune, and there I saw an enormous statue of a female Buddha. I was so deeply touched that the tears rolled down my face – very silently. Only in that moment I realized how few female role models or teachers there were, and how important it was for me to have this mirror. For some time I went to visit her often and look her in the face. Something moved deep in my uterus, and at that time I could not understand what it was. The journey went on. My master had left his body, and maybe because of my hunger for truth, or my long years of meditation and participation in many self discovery therapies and awareness intensive retreats, or maybe “simply” through Grace, I experienced a big breakthrough in 1997. From that moment on, I experienced everything as one. From that moment on, there was only the source. All my problems had vanished like snow under the sun. The endless chatter in my head became completely irrelevant. I could listen to it and give it life. But when I did not listen to it, it receded to the far, far periphery of my awareness. At that time I experienced all this as enlightenment, and in 1998 I began with the sharing of Satsang. I was delighted to notice that there were several women amongst the Satsang teachers. I met some of them, but found all of them more or less on the same, rather known and male path of Advaita like myself. One of them I experienced as more feminine, more female, but she was too embedded in the old traditions, and for me that was no longer relevant by this time. I missed the link to a more evolutionary consciousness. A dear girlfriend gave me a book: “Women of power and grace”. It described the lives of nine very special enlightened women. It brought more mirrors to look into. These women, however, were all such great beings that the mirror was almost too big to look into. It had a humbling effect on me. However, I noticed one thing, and that was that for many of these women their act was primary. Most of them had been busy their entire life with the relieving of pain, the caring for the poor, with charity. There was also a teaching, but it often was not much interesting, and it had a much less important place than life itself, than translating this teaching into action and making it known to the world. While with most of the male gurus or teachers the teaching itself was in the foreground and meditation was the main practice, for many women devotion and care for other people was central. In 2000 I met Ammachi in South India. This very simple small/big Indian woman made a deep impression on me. So deep that it created a lasting connection. Amma emanates divine love, and she hugs every single person that comes to see her. Sometimes she does this for twenty-two hours in a row, without any break or drink! With Amma I experienced for the first time that female enlightenment not only expresses itself differently, but it also brings a different and more round EXPERIENCE. Her hug became a symbol for the way God embraces me as the archetypal mother. It was as if the universe held me in a loving and intimate embrace. God obtained a second face for me that day. Not only God, but also the Goddess was here. Together they were ONE. Her teaching was simple and direct: share love and compassion and do selfless service. Since then I’ve visited Amma every year, and I’ve let myself be inspired and nourished by her feminine way of being and by the divine love that she emanates. In 2004 my enlightened state came to an abrupt end (see the article on enlightenment). The fall from the big light into total darkness was intense. It took about four years before this change, this turning point, was overcome. During this time I learnt many lessons. First I discovered that I had achieved my state of oneness through a splitting from my human duality and from my body. The journey back to earth was not simple. It took some years before I again felt a solid contact with it. My nervous system had received an enormous blow. The shock of this abrupt landing (crash is actually a better word) and the opening of many unresolved traumas from my life, was really more than my nervous system could handle. Some years of intensive trauma healing (Somatic Experience) followed, to bring the very needed balance back. During that time I obviously could not teach or be a therapist. Internally I was completely ruined, and so I returned to one of my oldest professions: nursing. For three years I took care, as a private nurse, of old, sick and dying people. And even though these were heavy years, I also enjoyed the simple care for others. I also got deeply involved in the so-called normal world, where no one was interested in the spiritual. I watched TV for hours with my patients; I read to them stories out of women’s magazines for an infinite time, and I shared a lot of ups and downs with the patient and his or her family. A world that I hardly knew anymore opened up to me. A world that also made me more and more human. Deeper layers of compassion were awakened. I saw and experienced so much grief, pain and misunderstanding. I revisited everything that I had left behind some thirty years before. In this time it became more and more clear that just the source of being did not bring the enlightenment that I had tried to reach my whole life. The source, that feeling of having come home. But WHO had come home? What had happened to ME in this whole story? Where was I? Osho had given me a vision of a new man. Zorba the Buddha, he called it: a man with the vitality of Zorba the Greek and the wisdom and the silence of the Buddha. I had been trying to figure it out for years already. How did this happen? I had been a Zorba. I had lived life to the very fullest. I had burnt the candle on both ends and I had deeply enjoyed it. I had been a detached Buddha in silence and peace, almost not anymore part of this world. And now????? I was looking for totality, for integration. I wanted the totality of existence and I wanted to heal the fundamental split between the spiritual and the material world, between the inner and the outer. But how in God’s name could I connect these two worlds? It became the only thing on my mind, the only thing that interested me. And like always I was praying for help, because I had not been able to manage it on my own. Almaas’ books came back from under a layer of dust. He inspired me with his modern vision. But the fire did not really ignite. Then Faisal Muqaddam appeared in my life. He had a similar vision. He spoke directly to my whole being when he spoke about the three domains: the three kingdoms we live in. The absolute (the one that in Advaita is often called the Self, the emptiness), the essential, and the worldly domain. The Tibetans call these the three Kayas, the three aspects of an enlightened being. In the absolute and in the worldly I was rather at home. But the domain in between, the essential domain, was unknown to me. This is the domain which unites the so-called personal and spiritual. The presence of the essence in the body seemed to make embodiment possible. Faisal: In general, we talk about enlightenment as the stage of discovering our true nature, our enlightened nature. This enlightened nature, this godlike nature, this Buddha nature is the basic quality of all existence. This basic being differentiates itself in many, many states. Just like when you put white light in a prism there appears a rainbow, so the absolute differentiates itself into different qualities. Some of them are boundless, not limited. Other states are defined, very defined, palpable, you can feel their form, their structure. And then all of those qualities get even more defined and more solidified – and eventually become the physical universe. The differentiated states between the Absolute and the physical universe are what we usually label as the essential states of being. Those are essences. Those essential states have characteristics. They have texture; you can feel them in your body. They are not just energy. Some of them are dense, some of them are light, some of them are liquid, some of them are solid, some of them are cold, some of them are hot, some of them are neutral. So they have all kind of palpable characteristics that you can really sense. And your body is the best thermometer you can gauge essence with. Essence has to flow in your body. It is not just a state you can go into like your emotions or your mind. It has to circulate in your body. And each quality of essence can only be integrated when it runs fully in your body. It has to circulate in your head, in your heart, in your belly, in your legs. ( taken from audio material ) Faisal taught me to differentiate between the three domains and to respect these. He showed me that every domain had its own laws and teachings. And that it is very important to know which domain you are speaking of when you teach. All of a sudden I understood that in Satsang I had tried to approach the worldly domain from the laws of the absolute. I also understood why it had been so difficult for many people that came to me to bring and actualize these insights into their daily life. Even though originally I had great resistance to once again open myself and learn a completely new teaching, I started. Faisal spoke too much to my whole being. Moreover, the teaching was so intelligent – high-tech almost, like modern mysticism!! Faisal used both the deep insights from the different spiritual traditions as well as from the modern discoveries and developments in psychology. Ah – here was the piece of evolution that I had missed so much!! Here the ego was no longer something that needed to vanish or die, it instead became a starting point – almost a guide, an instrument to find the way back. He compared the ego with a child that needed to be taken by the hand and shown the way home. And so started again a new chapter on the long road of self-discovery. There are so many aspects and facets of essence that we need to be able to be a complete human being and actualize our insights, our realizations. For example, to really land on this planet we need very earthly essential aspects. To be able to truly love, it is necessary for the different qualities of love to actually be present in our body, so that we become love. To really experience joy, we have to become joy. Almaas says: Essence is not alive; it is aliveness. It is not aware; it is awareness. It does not have the quality of existence; it is existence. It does not love; it is love. It is not joyful; it is joy. It is not true; it is truth. (Essence, pg 80) I discovered that there were personal and impersonal essences. We reach the impersonal through transcendence, through negation, by seeing that I am neither this nor that. What is left then is only the source, the ocean. The personal essence however comes to life only when we do the very opposite; when we recognize that we are everything. I am this, AND that too. It brings the vision of the fish in the ocean. It exists as a unique fish and it seeks participation, it wants to evolve. The ocean does not seek evolution, it is eternally the ocean. But the fish wants to move on. So once we realize that I AM EVERYTHING, the split between inner and outer disappears. And now we can also take total responsibility for our lives. Now we can no longer say that there is no personal self. If we make a mistake, we own it and clean it up. The more I began to experience and recognize essence, the more I realized that the Sufi have had this wisdom for centuries. The poems of Rumi, that I so love, are full of hidden pointers to essential states. He refers to them a.o. as honey, or gold or ruby. If we had had enlightened parents, we would have grown up without losing the contact with our true nature, and all the different qualities would have opened and developed naturally, and all our abilities would have been reinforced instead of being lost. Essence is our birthright. God or the existence created these qualities for the human being so that he or she can both function in reality and remain connected to the source. In my groups now I let people often imagine that they were the baby Dalai Lama or another higher being. When he was born, he was surrounded by respect and love, by many beings who saw his soul, who provided a good holding environment and who were reliable. Beings for whom enlightenment was a natural state of being. And then I ask them to imagine what their life would look like now had they been raised like this. And then tears flow, and long closed doors open again and essence starts to flow again. For me personally the Diamond Logos (the name of this teaching) is an enormous support in the process of integration. Little by little I retrieved my essence, slowly my bones and muscles and nerves opened again. Very slowly, but very surely, essence melts the old personality structure. Step by step, the unreal qualities learnt melt, and the essential natural qualities start to emerge. With the opening of each new essence, old blocks show up, old issues that need to be seen come up so that they can dissolve. This is a complex and intricate but very interesting process. This is not the place to go deeper into this now. The first and strongest opponent on this path is our super ego, our inner judge. That voice in us that always plays god and that punishes, criticizes, manipulates or even praises us with every step we take. In Satsang I used to say: simply don’t listen to that voice. But of course no one succeeded. Now I can give clear tools and ways to learn how to recognize that voice and learn to deal with it. This is really crucial if we ever want to come to an embodiment and actualization of our realization. It is such a highly developed and complex automatic mechanism. Its goal, its job is to keep our conditioning in place, and if we don’t recognize this, it will always pull us back to the start. And it will hold us back from truly being an individual. When the super ego reigns, it is very, very difficult for the essence to flow. And that is why the work with the super ego has a big place in the work of actualization which I now share. Realizations are beautiful; by now, many of us have them aplenty - deep realizations of oneness and love and perfection. But what are they good for if they cannot be lived, if they cannot be embodied, if they cannot spontaneously manifest in our daily life? The path of Advaita, of the non-duality, had been a marvelous path for me, an incredible tool for coming back to the source, for coming home. It had awakened me and many others. But then what??? What happens after one is awake? Unfortunately, I still meet people who, in their longing to transcend their pain, have split off their human duality. All they want is emptiness. And they have reached a beautiful state, but I experience them as only half. I now know that, if we want to be a full and complete actualized human being, we have to embrace all of our human aspects. They all belong to our being. They are all part of the divine – the duality as much as the non-duality. The more my integration took place, the more I was drawn back to my old passion to share with others everything I learnt and discovered, and to assist them in their process of transformation. Groups and retreats began to form, and after a while I had so much work that I had to say goodbye to my nursing job. I was asked to write about women on the path. But what is the way of the woman? It’s only been two years since I’ve asked myself this question. Partly because Faisal, every time I meet him, brings to our attention that men and women function differently, and that it is about time we women discover for ourselves how essence opens itself in us. But even more so because I started to listen to my uterus. The echo from that first stirring in Pune with the female Buddha was still there. It shocked me to hear what my uterus showed and told me. I became aware that I (and many women with me) had lived my life from a very male active principle. This had hardened and contracted my uterus. Our society demands action, performance, if we want to belong in it. The painful suppression and abuse of women throughout the ages had brought us in the 70s to feminism. At that time, it looked like if you wanted to feel yourself equal to a man, you had to develop the male qualities of competitiveness. The soft, loving, caring and receptive woman became old-fashioned. We became powerful and strong, and we did not notice what we lost in the struggle. Many, many years later my uterus cried silent tears over this loss while it slowly, slowly started to open again. In my feminist years, I had been very proud to be an androgynous woman, someone who had both female and male qualities. My bisexuality also had a place in that way. It had never been very clear to me what male or female was. I felt both energies very clearly in my own body. Now, however, I am feeling very clearly my feminine biology. Now that I am well grounded in my body, it’s able to open up more and more. Through the growing presence of essential qualities, my uterus shows itself more and more as an important center of my system and also as the source of essence. I am still at the very beginning of this research, of this process of discovery. I asked some friends and colleagues how they see it. Annemie Flamez: This is an amazingly inspiring time! The woman, the mother, the Goddess, the queen gets her throne and crown back. For a very long time, the female wisdom has lived underground in our culture. But now the sacred womb sees a new day of light. My passionate love for the sacred womb was shown back to me first through the book The Mists of Avalon. Now, thirty years later, I don’t remember much of the book. But at the time I felt like the frog that was kissed by the prince and had changed into a princess. In my early childhood, I remember my search for the Holy Grail. And, just like my body, the mind and the spirit are able to know a process of development, so that also this female wisdom can show an ongoing awakening as essential quality. The mystery opens itself, and is very deeply connected with my sacred womb and consciousness. This consciousness is inherent to being a woman, and it is built into the fabric of my soul. The pregnancies and different births I have experienced were not only of this world. I did not know the essential language at the time. The love that is born together with the baby does not know its equal. The changes that that brought in me were irreversible, and so every different phase of my life brought a very precious treasure to me. Now, being a grandmother, I see how I protect and cherish life in all its beauty. But it is not all “hunky dory”. It has never been obvious that I, as woman and mother in the world, would be able to follow my own spiritual desires. The path is full of roses and thorns. In enquiry (a practice of self discovery) I met, among others, my mother and the mother of my mother, and sometimes in a very painful way. My love was also unearthing deep hatred. My heart and uterus are connected with the world and with life in all its dimensions. My life sings its own soft spirited heart sutra. These examples are expressions of the sacred womb. But, like with all qualities of essence, it can also be experienced in all her glory in a more direct and substantial way. Faisal instilled in me a strong desire to discover the female wisdom in the spiritual domain in a deeper way. Together with other fellow female travelers on the spiritual path, we are currently drawing from this natural source of wisdom. Another colleague and friend: I come from a family lineage of strong, successful businesswomen, very emancipated for that time. Being born in 1954 and having spent my teenage years in the 60s, I was admiring Angela Davis and the women’s liberation movement, going along with my girlfriends and the spirit of the time. Secretly I was dreaming of a “normal family”, where the mother was home, cooking and waiting for the family to gather for the meals. I was very confused about being a woman, and in that my path was leading me to in-depth inquiries, both psychological as well as spiritual. From childhood on, I felt something was missing in my mother’s life and in the life of all the emancipated women around me. Even though there was power, strength and a certain kind of dignity, which was so much longed for by the Females of that time, I longed for something else, not knowing what it could be. I could neither find it by living in a country home, being home for my little family, nor by proving to myself that raising a child and having a professional life is both doable. Not by being the femme fatale, the sweet loving mate, nor by living in a spiritual commune, trying to surrender to my master. No role model could do it. I did not know it then, but what I was really looking and longing for was what I call now a new dimension of the Feminine, which cannot be found through role modeling or by any attempt of the conditioned personality. It is an essential quality, residing in depth in all of us Females, waiting patiently to be reconnected, containing the old archaic wisdom and connection of the female tribe. I am very grateful to my teacher, who, even though he is a man, supports me in my search and helps me to reconnect with this quality that has no words for me yet. And now? Throughout the years, the idea of wanting to arrive somewhere has been left behind. Like Tao said it centuries ago: The journey itself is the goal. I used to look for the light – the focus of my journey was to find enlightenment, and I wanted only the light. The darkness had to be left behind at any cost. Darkness meant pain, sadness, fear and being lost. Through my work, I still often come in contact with other people who have that same focus. They want to get rid of their pain and they want to feel good, they want the light. I discovered, however, that when we have the courage to feel this pain, we notice that another door opens into a dimension of darkness that is peaceful, loving and pure goodness. Many of my old friends asked why I am still searching and why I am still working on myself. My answer is not often well understood. For years I’ve been neither searching nor working on myself anymore. It is rather a journey of discovery. It is the following of an evolutionary pull that comes deep from within my belly. I could also say: I listen to the call of my heart. And at the same time there is also my inner guide that shines its light on ever new, awesomely beautiful new territories that beckon to me. Retrieving the essential qualities that I need to be truly human seems a lot of work. And that’s true. The difference is that it’s not me (read ego) doing the work, but it’s the essence or the presence. Like I tell my students: Presence does the work; our only job is to be present. Sometimes the journey is so exciting and brings treasures beyond belief. And then it goes again through dark valleys and swamps of sadness and pain, which cover up the fullness and peace that lays beneath it. Sometimes I meet the valleys and the mountain tops with equanimity. Sometimes not. Sometimes I fight the valleys because the old habits and deep defense mechanisms in our systems are very powerful. Seen from within the ego, everything we do on our spiritual journey serves only one goal or purpose: to not ever feel again the old pain of the ego deficiency. Actually, everything we do is gymnastics to cover that. A new resolution comes when we learn to endure these deep states and pains of the ego. Compassion deepens. Peace grows rounder and fuller. We are better well-established. Integration grows, only to disintegrate again and regroup as new again and again. Darkness and light, they belong together. Light is the male aspect – darkness the female. Together they are ONE. I am still greedy, I want everything! Light and darkness, Zorba and Buddha, fullness and emptiness. The journey goes on – that is evolution. And where does it go? We can see that only when it happens a bit at a time during each moment. If you have a body, where is the spirit? If you are spirit, what is the body? This is not our problem to worry about. Both are both. Corn is the corn grain and cornstalk. The divine butcher cuts us a piece from the thigh and a piece from the neck. Invisible, visible, the world does not work without both. If you throw dust at someone’s head, nothing will happen. If you throw water, nothing. But combine them into a lump. That marriage of water and earth cracks open the head, and afterwards there are other marriages. Rumi

Trust is an absolute necessity for our spiritual development. Without it, it is difficult to even enter the path and transformation will be nearly impossible. Transformation means that something changes into something else. Copper turns to gold. After transformation the copper is not the same anymore and it cannot know the gold until it becomes it. In the same way the butterfly cannot know itself while being a caterpillar. In other words, we don’t know yet exactly what the new more evolved version of ourselves will be. We have no idea what will happen when we let go of our old familiar ego structure. I use the word trust here in the sense of basic trust. This is something else than psychological trust, which is based on trustworthiness. Basic trust means that we have the feeling that our life naturally unfolds and evolves in the right direction. That whatever happens, it will always be good, even though we don’t know yet what it will be. Basic trust seems to be a pre condition for us to let go into the unknown and not knowing. Not knowing is one of the most difficult things for our ego while for the awakened part in us it is the most natural state. Also in the normal daily life we really need trust. And certainly in this moment. Life on the planet probably rarely knew such a lack of trust and had such a fear consciousness. We are more estranged from our true nature than ever before. Everything is moving and changing so fast. Nobody is sure anymore about the future. All predictions about the climate changes or the financial situation have to be adjusted on a monthly or weekly or even daily basis. Not knowing is lurking around every corner. This “not knowing” makes us (read our ego) fearful. We want to secure our future; we want to know what is going to happen to our money because we are not at all sure that all is moving in the right direction. For sure not now. A big part of my life trust therefore meant: Keeping the strings in my own hands and never give up and never let go of control. I was convinced that all the good things in my life were a direct result of my own efforts. Everything that came from the outside was at its best dubious. I had learned very early on, to keep my own course. This tactic had proven again and again to be the trustworthiest. When I came close to the spiritual path, messages like: “let go” and “trust” seemed simply dangerous and unintelligent to me. However with the support of a new group of people and all kinds of books on meditation and the soul, I started to “practice”. Also drugs presented themselves. That meant trusting and letting go in huge leaps. First a joint, later the other stuff. LSD brought a big opening in the sense that it showed me for the first time ever that there was a reality beyond the mind. In this reality everything was connected to everything else and on top of it, the whole was moved by a force that was way beyond the personal. It also made me aware of the projection field. Meditation came and drugs left. Letting go and trusting became topics that returned on a daily basis, year after year. My basic trust however did not grow that fast. It was a slow process, little step after little step. I remained self sufficient and self-reliant. During my meditation trust was okay, but outside of that it remained a dangerous affair. A split remained between my meditation on the one side and my daily life on the other. I could trust in god by now, but people…and life…. that remained another story. Again years later I realized that, in spite of my efforts to let go, I was still trying to keep my life in full control. I also noticed that it limited me. My psychological knowledge told me that behind control lurks fear but I had no contact to that emotion and I knew even less how to let it go. I started to pray. Praying is a dangerous thing, in the sense that if a prayer is sincere, it generally gets heard. And it was heard indeed. Very soon after, my partner left me, I lost the house in which we had lived together and my health collapsed to a point that I had to stop working for quite some time. Of course, all of a sudden, it was not very difficult anymore, to get in touch with my fears. I was terrified. I used the therapeutic tools that were available then to move through a layer of old pain and fear and mistrust. Of course, a year later, I could see so clearly that everything that had happened had been absolutely perfect. My ex had not really fitted with me and the direction my life wanted to take; it was also better to live alone for a while to allow for the new course of my life to unfold. This made it possible for my work to take on a whole new course as well. I had changed; I was more open and clearer. All these changes had been necessary for a transformation I me that I would have never been able to create myself. Throughout the years that followed, life presented me of course again and again with new situations that evoked fear and asked for a letting go. And every time I was surprised that my previous experience was not sufficient to let me trust once and for all, in the loving intelligence of the universe. I mean, I “knew” that everything always turned out for the better. Then why would I get so scared again?  Even my awakening into oneness did not do the job. It did not bring a lasting direct contact with this basis trust. Neither did I know at the time, that the ego survives many stages and levels of enlightenment. The part of us that is aware, awake, knows and sees that all is one and that all is good and that everything moves and unfolds according to a completely loving and intelligent plan. We see that we all have our karmic place in this whole and when we really start to understand this, we know that whatever happens is perfect and that it fits perfectly on our path. Great justice reigns, always and everywhere, however difficult it is sometimes to experience this. This is a deep trust which grows both from insight and from the direct contact with an essential quality of our being. While we experience the awake part of our true nature with its clarity, our ego, which we also call sometimes “the inner child”, hides somewhere in a corner, usually deep inside of us. The light, the realization has not reached here yet. In fact, to our ego it feels as if it is a child that still lives with the parents. So it is only logical that there is not much trust present in this separated closed nucleus. How much or how little trust there is there is actually dependent on our early life circumstances. When we come in touch with difficulties now, or things that bring us fear, we, as awake beings, have two choices. We can negate the ego/child in us (it often only makes itself noticeable with a small voice) and continue to say that there is no body here and that there never was, and deal with the situation from an awake perspective. On the level of the absolute source this is also the truth. But we function on different levels at the same time, and each level has its own laws and experiences. I call this: living from realization and direct knowing. This brings a certain amount of freedom. However the danger here is that it can give rise to a certain split in our consciousness that we can justify in the name of awareness. E.g. we can stop having personal relationship in order not to be confronted with issues that can stir our ego and think that there is no longer an ego. In most cases this shows more that we have become masters in avoiding and denying our ego activity. Another choice however is that we notice the deeply hidden fear in us and allow it to surface. In this way it can open and we can experience it. This is a very simple and direct, but also confronting and painful way, to allow the fear to dissolve. We don’t deal with it in a therapeutic way, we let it be and feel it. If we keep following this process, we often begin to experience an emptiness or a hole behind our fear. Not a positive emptiness but rather a sense of lack. If we stay consciously present in this hole/lack and accept the not knowing, sooner or later this emptiness will fill up from within the system itself with an essential quality of our soul. This quality, which Faisal and Almaas call:”Living Daylight”, brings us a very direct physical experience of the loving goodness of existence. Basic trust arises as a natural and direct result out of that. The “knowing” has now landed in the cells. It also has reached the ego nucleus and now we can speak of transformation. This latter process is often very slow. Little by little the light and the knowing land in our cells. This part of the journey is often referred to as the process of integration, a stage needed to come to stabilization first and actualization later. It is a slow process, which needs time, patience and practice.   It reminds me of the story of Meher Baba*, a guru from Pune/India. He received a kiss from Babajan* on his forehead when he was 19 years old. This transmission brought him a very direct awakening. Later he said that he had needed 30 or more years to integrate this kiss and come to full actualization of his enlightenment. (He received help from other masters and teachers in this process) But let us come back to trust. How easy or difficult this process of trusting is in a life is of course very dependent on how the “holding environment” in the family of origin was. By this we mean: the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual climate in the family. In other words: Does the child get touched and held in a loving way? Does one sense and recognize its sensitivity, does one see its true nature, is there intelligence present in the parents? If all this is the case, then the child feels itself safe and held in the family and it will not lose its inborn contact with the goodness of existence so deeply. His soul can open and unfold itself in a natural way, like a flower opening to the sunlight. On top of that, it will also learn that people are good and loving and so learn to trust in both an absolute and a relative way. Is the environment however not safe or even hostile, and then it is clear that the contact will be disturbed on both levels. As soon as we lose contact with this living daylight, we cannot truly trust anymore and we will increasingly hold on to the ego structure that we built around this lack. We will base our trust now on this false structure. Our way back home will be a lot more difficult, because on this road we have to meet the unknown again and again and we need to let go of the old. Existence is filled with and made of this living daylight, this living goodness. In fact it is the only thing there is in all its different appearances. On a physical level it feels as if we are surrounded by an atmosphere of goodness, warmth, light and space. Some people say they feel like they are held in the arms of God when they sense it, others say they feel safe and supported when they experience it. This is also dependent on through which of the three main centers we experience it. In the head we call it also the light of awareness, in the heart is feels more like love and in the belly more like a presence. In the east they call it Sat Chid Ananda when all centres are open. Most of us have surely sensed if before. But if our early experience was one of fear, then we keep our doors and windows closed for this warm light. Often we close ourselves to many other things as well that come from the outside and mistrust becomes a way of life. We create an energetic barrier that can start already on the level of the skin. And the loving daylight cannot reach us anymore. We are locked up in our self-created prison. The way back to this basic trust is not without pain or fear. The contradiction is however that the more contact we have with this light, the more we also come in contact with the barriers and the old fears. Someone who has a lot of basic trust is particularly capable to allow the deepest fears to surface from the depth. On the surface it can then look as if that person does not have any trust. De deeper layers of mistrust can however only be allowed and felt when there is a certain amount of trust present. Trust is like the bedding for it. The more light, the more darkness. In this way deep wounded parts of our psyche can be felt and through this a letting go of old ego structures can take place. This means a letting go of our identity. This can be felt as disintegration, a sense of falling apart. Again this can be fearful because the old falls away while we don’t know yet if there will be anything to replace it. It feels more like the famous jump or fall into the abyss. If this falling or jumping is easy, then the original family settings was usually fairly healthy and the transformational process will be relatively easy. Was the trust very disrupted or disturbed, then we don’t jump so easily but rather clamp or hold on to our old safe ego identity. What could ease this falling or jumping? As I said before, the absence of this light is felt as a hole. As a lacking, a missing of something that should have been there. The more we can tolerate and accept this hole (often it is filled with all kinds of unpleasant or fearful memories), the more the loving daylight can stream in again. From there, the passage to our basic trust is restored and letting go will be less hard. This takes place step by step. Each time we notice that our true nature DOES show itself when we let go, by itself, we open a bit more. The disintegration of our ego structure is not a matter of one jump or one fall. We would not be able to let go of this structure in one go. If we did, we would not know how to function anymore. Just like Meher Baba who was in coma for months after the kiss of Babajan. When he came to, it took years before he finally could manage to live from his new essential and healthy structure. The good news is of course that whether or not we feel it or know it, the goodness of the universe is always here. It never left, it never diminished and it can never leave because it is intrinsic to existence itself. And on that we can always count. *Meher Baba ( Indian Guru from Pune 1894-1969) *Babajan ( Hazrat Babajan, a Persian guru who became 141 years old and who lived in Pune under a neemtree, 1790-1931)  *Faisal Muqaddam is the founder of the DiamondLogos work and co founder (with A.H. Almaas) of the Diamond Approach. *A.H.Almaas is the founder of the Diamond Approach and the Ridhwan School

Until

I think we are frightened
Every moment of our lives
Untill
We know
Him

Absolutely Clear

 
Don't surrender your loneliness
So quickly.
Let it cut more deep.
 
Let it ferment and season you
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can.
 
Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice
So tender,
 
My need of God
Absolutely
Clear.

Just Sit There

 
Just sit there right now.
Don't do a thing.
Just rest.
 
For your separation from God
Is the hardest work in this world.
 
Let me bring you trays of food
And something
That you would like to drink.
 
You can use my soft words
As a cushion
For your
Head.

Love

For years, copying other people, I tried to know myself.
From within, I couldn't decide what to do.
Unable to see, I heard my name being called.
Then I walked outside.

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
 Don't go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
 Don't go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
 where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
 Don't go back to sleep.

Stay together friends.
Don’t scatter and sleep.

Our friendship is made
Of being awake.

The waterwheel accepts water
And turns and gives it away , weeping.

That way it stays in the garden,
Whereas another roundness
Rolls through a dry riverbed looking
For what it thinks it wants.

Stay here, quivering with each moment
Like  drop of mercury.

Gamble everything for love,
If you are a true human being.
If not, leave this gathering.

Half heartedness does not reach
Into majesty. You set out
To find God, but then you keep
Stopping for long periods
At mean spirited roadhouses.

There are guides
Who can show you the way
Use them

But they will not satisfy your longing
Keep wanting the connection with presence
With all your pulsing energy

The throbbing vein
Will take you further
Than any thinking

Mohammed said: Do not theorize
About essence. All speculations
Are just more layers of covering
Human beings love coverings

They think the design on the curtains
Are what is being concealed

Observe the wonders as they occur around you
Do not claim them. Feel the artistry
Moving through and be silent.

Life is not for waiting
Do not postpone
Love is bringing everyone by the ear
To a place where reason cannot go
Where Muhammed’s eyes close in sleep
And the night grows quiet

Truth does not sleep. Sunlight does not go away
The stars are suns. Shams is everywhere.

In the slaughterhouse of love
They kill only the best,
None of the weak or deformed.

Do not run away from this dying.
Whoever is not killed for love is dead meat.

.

The way of love is not a subtle argument.
The door there is devastation.
Birds make great sky-circles of their freedom.
How do they learn it?
They fall, and falling they're given wings.

One who does what the Friend wants done
will never need a friend.

There is a bankruptcy that is pure gain.
The moon stays bright
when it does not avoid the night.
A rose’s rarest essence
lives in the thorn.

When I see you and how you are,
I close my eyes to the other.
For your Solomon’s seal I become wax
Throughout my body.
I wait to be light.
I give up opinions on all matters
I become the reed flute for your breath.

You were inside my hand.
I kept reaching around for something.
I was inside your hand, but I kept asking questions
Of those who know very little.

I must have been incredible simple or drunk or insane
To sneak into my own house and steal money.
To climb over my own fence and take my own vegetables.
But no more. I have gotten free of that ignorant fist.
That was pinching and twisting my secret self.

The universe and the light of the stars come through me.
I am the crescent moon put up
Over the gate to the festival.

“Never give up.
No matter what is going on,
Never give up.
Develop the heart.
Too much energy in your country

St. Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within.
May you trust your highest power that you are
Exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are
Born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and
pass on the love that has been given to you.. May you be
content knowing you are a child of God....
Let this presence settle into our bones, and allow
your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of you.

There is a brokenness out of which comes the
unbreakable
There is a shattered ness out of which blooms the
unshatterable

There is a sorrow beyond all grief which leads to joy
and a fragility out of whose depths emerges strength

There is a hollow space to vast for words through
which we pass with each loss, out of whose darkness we
are sanctioned into being.

There is a cry deeper than all sound
whose serrated edges cut the heart
as we break open
to the place inside which is unbreakable
and whole,
while learning to sing.

- Rashani

God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
give me the courage to change the things
that can be changed,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Commitment creates freedom.
When you commit to a movement,
you make it with your whole body.
When you commit to a feeling,
your passion will give power to your message.
When you commit to a dance,
your feeling reaches beyond your limitations.
When you commit to your path,
give yourself over to your way of growth, Magic happens...
obstacles get out of your way, mountains lay down before you,
the sky opens up above you,
and you will find yourself transformed

- Aziza Sa'id

When the power of love
overcomes the love of power,
The world will know peace.

- Jimmy Hendrix

He who wants to do good knocks at the gate;
he who loves finds the gate open.

- Rabindranath Tagore

No target's erected,
no bow's drawn,
and the arrow leaves the string:
It may not hit,

- Kokushi

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful, beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves: Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

- M. A. Williamsen

If only our own faces would allow
the invisible carvers hand to bring
the deep grain of love to the surface.
If only we knew, as the carver knew,
how the floors and the wood let his searching chisel
to the very core,
we would smile too and not need faces
immobilized by fear and
the weight of things undone.
When we fight with our failing
we ignore the entrance to the shrine itself
and wrestle with the guardians fierce figure
on the side of good,
and as we fight our eyes are huddled with grief
and our mouth is dry with pain
If only we could give ourselves
to the blows of the carvers hands
The lines in our face would be
the trace lines of rivers feeding the sea,
where voices meet praising the features of the mountain
and the cloud and the sky.
Our faces would fall away until we,
growing younger towards death every day
would gather all our flaws in celebration
to merge with them perfectly,
impossibly wedded to our essence
full of silence from the carvers hands.

- David Whyte

Auto biography in five Chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street
There is a big hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I am lost........I am helpless
It isn't my fault
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the side walk
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again
I can't believe I am in the same place
But it isn't my fault
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the street
There is a deep hole in the side walk
I see it is there
I fall in.......it is a habit.........but,
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately

Chapter 4


I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down a different street.

- Anonymous

Symptoms of inner peace

Be on the lookout for symptoms of inner peace.
The hearts of a great many
have already been exposed to inner peace
and it is possible that people everywhere
could come down with it in epidemic proportions.
This could pose a serious threat to what has,
up to now, been a fairly stable condition
of conflict in the world.
A tendency to think and act spontaneously
rather than on fears based on past experiences.
An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
A loss of interest in judging other people.
A loss of the ability to worry. 
This is a very serious symptom.
Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
Frequent attacks of smiling.
An increased tendency to let things happen
rather than make them happen.

- Kaveesha

A Hopi elder speaks

"You have been telling the people
that this is the Eleventh Hour.
Now you must go back
and tell the people that this is the Hour. 
And there are things to be considered.

Where are you living?
What are you doing?
What are your relationships?
Are you in right relation?
Where is your water?

Know your garden.
It is time to speak your Truth.
Create your community.
Be good to each other.
And do not look outside yourself for the
leader."

Then he clasped his hands together, smiled, and said,
"This could be a good time!"

Wisdom of the elders

There is a river flowing now very fast.
It is so great and swift,
that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold on to the shore.
They will feel they are being torn
apart and will suffer greatly.
Know the river has its destination.
The elders say we must let go of the shore,
push off into the middleof the river,
keep our eyes open,
and our heads above the water.
And I say,
see who is in there with you and celebrate.

At this time in history,
we are to take nothing personally.
Leastof all, ourselves.
For the moment that we do, our spiritual
growth and journey comes to a halt.

The time of the lone wolf is over.
Gather yourselves!

Banish the word struggle from your attitude
and your vocabulary.
All that we do now must be done in a sacred
manner and in celebration.

WE ARE THE ONES WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

- Oraibi, Arizona   Hopi Nation