What helps in these difficult times.
Which seeker does not know this phenomenon? These moments where everything falls apart. But also if you are not a conscious seeker, life is generous enough to let our un-useful toys be taken away from us; be it a partner, possessions, achievements or money.
Why is that and why is it generous?
There is a force in the universe that guides us towards liberation, towards transformation, towards a higher evolution.
Many people have different words for that force. I like to call it the universal or cosmic guidance.
Because it guides us towards the new, always optimizing, always wanting the best for us to manifest so that we can reach our potential as a human being and evolve.
So the first thing we need to remember, which I need to remember in times like that is :
This is GOOD!! Even though it does not FEEL good, I need to remember that it IS good. Something that I thought good and valuable is no longer serving me, that is why it is falling apart.
When our awareness is not stable in such times, it is easy to identify with the agony, the fear, despair or pain that shows up.
Moreover this is prime time for our inner judge to jump onto the scene and judge us for being in this situation. We start to blame ourselves and this is just another word for self hatred.
There is not greater pain that the pain we inflict upon ourselves in that way. Self hatred is the source of all pain!
Hence my insistence on getting to know your inner judge and learn how to level with this mechanism in us, so that we can stay rooted in our present awareness.
Which seeker does not know this phenomenon? These moments where everything falls apart. But also if you are not a conscious seeker, life is generous enough to let our un-useful toys be taken away from us; be it a partner, possessions, achievements or money.
Why is that and why is it generous?
There is a force in the universe that guides us towards liberation, towards transformation, towards a higher evolution.
Many people have different words for that force. I like to call it the universal or cosmic guidance.
Because it guides us towards the new, always optimizing, always wanting the best for us to manifest so that we can reach our potential as a human being and evolve.
So the first thing we need to remember, which I need to remember in times like that is :
This is GOOD!! Even though it does not FEEL good, I need to remember that it IS good. Something that I thought good and valuable is no longer serving me, that is why it is falling apart.
When our awareness is not stable in such times, it is easy to identify with the agony, the fear, despair or pain that shows up.
Moreover this is prime time for our inner judge to jump onto the scene and judge us for being in this situation. We start to blame ourselves and this is just another word for self hatred.
There is not greater pain that the pain we inflict upon ourselves in that way. Self hatred is the source of all pain!
Hence my insistence on getting to know your inner judge and learn how to level with this mechanism in us, so that we can stay rooted in our present awareness.
When we manage this, we automatically have a little distance from the (horror) show, it becomes possible to embrace and welcome these feelings, knowing that the are old, very old. They stem from our childhood where many of us experience little or no holding. Little or no love and support.
So this is the time to bring into practice what has been learned or it is the time to start learning how to hold and love ourselves.
What does it mean to hold ourselves?
In the simplest way it means, welcoming each feeling, breathing into it and allowing it to simply be here. That sounds simple but is not that simple as we have a deep programming in us that makes us want to experience the good feelings and to reject the so called “bad” feelings.
We don’t like to be uncomfortable and in pain.
And it is exactly that which is required in the difficult times. In a way it asks us to go beyond our biology.
These old feelings surface because they need liberation, they need completion so they can leave our system, instead of staying stored away in our bones or muscles as a hardness.
So how can we do this? The simplest thing I have ever found is to ask myself: How old am I when I am in this feeling? Immediately an image or memory or feeling pops up and I know I am a child.
From the beginning of my journey I have always found it easier to hold a wounded child in my arms than to hold a feeling.
A simple pillow will do the job, if I can imagine that this pillow is that wounded child part or ego child in me.
I can be compassionate, understanding, loving, supporting or whatever else is needed in the moment.
This allows the emotion or sensation to fully be here, to come to blossoming even and then the miracle happens….. . Over time it just dissolves and transforms.
It transforms our mind because the beliefs that originated around these wounds can dissolve, it transforms our body because the old pain was a tension in our system, it transforms our emotional body where the emotions become so called “higher” or “finer” emotions like joy, unconditional love, compassion, strength etc. and it brings space for our soul, our being to manifest.
But let us get back to the crisis, when we are in the midst of it.
When so often for longer or shorter periods we forget the above and just suffer in isolation, fear or agony.
Then we notice another aspect that needs our attention and that is, that we are programmed to always seek for a solution, we can’t simply let things be. On top of it we believe that the solution to our pain lies outside of ourselves, with The Other.
The Other will save us, The Other will give us the love we so hunger for, The Other will bring the support we crave for.
Also this has deep roots in our childhood, it stems from the time we were dependent on mother for all our needs.
When we are lonely, we don’t consider that the answer lies within us.
That we are the best company possible to our lonely ego child. No we much rather run to the next relationship or coffee date so we can escape the feeling of being lonely.
It takes some time and some practice to begin to find the treasures inside of ourselves. I call that “The turn towards being”.
Until we are capable of this turn it is wise to look for a guide or therapist that helps you look in that direction.
Of course sometimes it is also healthy to get into a relationship and reach out to the other but both will be more beautiful and healing if we can go to the other in a place of fullness.
There are no absolute answers and no rules. Each one of us is an individual and we are all on different parts of the journey. Different medicines for different moments.
The great thing is, that if we think we can outsmart existence and we manage to escape the crisis through a good solution like a new relationship or a new job, the crisis will not forget us. The guidance is loving and generous and it will bring the same pattern to our attention again and again and again until we learn the lessons that there are to learn from this.
Let us take for example a pattern of not taking care of ourselves but giving our care to others. Not loving ourselves but giving our love to others. Again and again the guidance will come and show that this relationship is not healthy and it will destroy it somehow. Then we race to the next one but we have not yet understood the pattern, and we repeat the same merry go round.
From my own experience I can say that it took many relationships for me to wake up to the fact that it was time to support myself.
That the entire relating structure in my system needed to fall apart, meaning that there was not only a great upheaval on the outside but also on the inside. Leaving me very alone and vulnerable and making me face the root of this unloving behavior. Having the courage to meet the deep pain that lies at the root of such behavior.
If we could embrace what comes to us with compassion things could be so much more harmonious and faster but often it takes many years on the path before we develop enough strength to just do that and BE that.
Let us take another helpful tool.
There is an ancient sufi story where a king asks the wise men of his court to give him something that will make him happy when he is sad.
Thereupon the king receives a ring with an inscription that he is not allowed to read now, he can only read it when he is really in deep trouble. Comes the day of crisis and finally the king takes off his ring and reads in it: This too shall pass.
Hinting to the fleeting existence of all phenomenon. Everything in this life comes and goes, all emotions come and go like clouds in the sky.
The lesson to learn here is to witness it all with equanimity and not to identify with any of it.
Again to be able to do this takes a good many years of practice and skill.
How often have I used this phrase to simply dissociate from the pain that was present, endure it and wait for this unwelcome guest to pass , not learning the lesson that was in front of my nose.
We all resist these lessons when they come.
But to be fully alive, to reach our potential, to come to the ultimate blossoming we need to be thrown out of the familiar again and again because again and again we built a new secure home for ourselves on the outside instead of on the inside.
We need to learn to live in the open, not knowing, meeting each and every moment with curiosity and an open heart. We need to realize deeply that the only security there is is our eternal existence.
We need to let go of all fixed concepts or idea’s or wishes.
If we want to be a flute in the hands of God, nothing less that complete surrender and openness will do.
We need to let go of our two faithful companions : Hope and Fear.
How many times in my life have I let them go and experienced the great and utter freedom of that moment, only to notice a few years or months down the line that I had picked up hope again.
Hope never comes alone. With hope fear is immediately there, We want to reach nirvana and the fear comes: We may never get there or make a wrong move.
And off we go again on the next round………
So this is the time to bring into practice what has been learned or it is the time to start learning how to hold and love ourselves.
What does it mean to hold ourselves?
In the simplest way it means, welcoming each feeling, breathing into it and allowing it to simply be here. That sounds simple but is not that simple as we have a deep programming in us that makes us want to experience the good feelings and to reject the so called “bad” feelings.
We don’t like to be uncomfortable and in pain.
And it is exactly that which is required in the difficult times. In a way it asks us to go beyond our biology.
These old feelings surface because they need liberation, they need completion so they can leave our system, instead of staying stored away in our bones or muscles as a hardness.
So how can we do this? The simplest thing I have ever found is to ask myself: How old am I when I am in this feeling? Immediately an image or memory or feeling pops up and I know I am a child.
From the beginning of my journey I have always found it easier to hold a wounded child in my arms than to hold a feeling.
A simple pillow will do the job, if I can imagine that this pillow is that wounded child part or ego child in me.
I can be compassionate, understanding, loving, supporting or whatever else is needed in the moment.
This allows the emotion or sensation to fully be here, to come to blossoming even and then the miracle happens….. . Over time it just dissolves and transforms.
It transforms our mind because the beliefs that originated around these wounds can dissolve, it transforms our body because the old pain was a tension in our system, it transforms our emotional body where the emotions become so called “higher” or “finer” emotions like joy, unconditional love, compassion, strength etc. and it brings space for our soul, our being to manifest.
But let us get back to the crisis, when we are in the midst of it.
When so often for longer or shorter periods we forget the above and just suffer in isolation, fear or agony.
Then we notice another aspect that needs our attention and that is, that we are programmed to always seek for a solution, we can’t simply let things be. On top of it we believe that the solution to our pain lies outside of ourselves, with The Other.
The Other will save us, The Other will give us the love we so hunger for, The Other will bring the support we crave for.
Also this has deep roots in our childhood, it stems from the time we were dependent on mother for all our needs.
When we are lonely, we don’t consider that the answer lies within us.
That we are the best company possible to our lonely ego child. No we much rather run to the next relationship or coffee date so we can escape the feeling of being lonely.
It takes some time and some practice to begin to find the treasures inside of ourselves. I call that “The turn towards being”.
Until we are capable of this turn it is wise to look for a guide or therapist that helps you look in that direction.
Of course sometimes it is also healthy to get into a relationship and reach out to the other but both will be more beautiful and healing if we can go to the other in a place of fullness.
There are no absolute answers and no rules. Each one of us is an individual and we are all on different parts of the journey. Different medicines for different moments.
The great thing is, that if we think we can outsmart existence and we manage to escape the crisis through a good solution like a new relationship or a new job, the crisis will not forget us. The guidance is loving and generous and it will bring the same pattern to our attention again and again and again until we learn the lessons that there are to learn from this.
Let us take for example a pattern of not taking care of ourselves but giving our care to others. Not loving ourselves but giving our love to others. Again and again the guidance will come and show that this relationship is not healthy and it will destroy it somehow. Then we race to the next one but we have not yet understood the pattern, and we repeat the same merry go round.
From my own experience I can say that it took many relationships for me to wake up to the fact that it was time to support myself.
That the entire relating structure in my system needed to fall apart, meaning that there was not only a great upheaval on the outside but also on the inside. Leaving me very alone and vulnerable and making me face the root of this unloving behavior. Having the courage to meet the deep pain that lies at the root of such behavior.
If we could embrace what comes to us with compassion things could be so much more harmonious and faster but often it takes many years on the path before we develop enough strength to just do that and BE that.
Let us take another helpful tool.
There is an ancient sufi story where a king asks the wise men of his court to give him something that will make him happy when he is sad.
Thereupon the king receives a ring with an inscription that he is not allowed to read now, he can only read it when he is really in deep trouble. Comes the day of crisis and finally the king takes off his ring and reads in it: This too shall pass.
Hinting to the fleeting existence of all phenomenon. Everything in this life comes and goes, all emotions come and go like clouds in the sky.
The lesson to learn here is to witness it all with equanimity and not to identify with any of it.
Again to be able to do this takes a good many years of practice and skill.
How often have I used this phrase to simply dissociate from the pain that was present, endure it and wait for this unwelcome guest to pass , not learning the lesson that was in front of my nose.
We all resist these lessons when they come.
But to be fully alive, to reach our potential, to come to the ultimate blossoming we need to be thrown out of the familiar again and again because again and again we built a new secure home for ourselves on the outside instead of on the inside.
We need to learn to live in the open, not knowing, meeting each and every moment with curiosity and an open heart. We need to realize deeply that the only security there is is our eternal existence.
We need to let go of all fixed concepts or idea’s or wishes.
If we want to be a flute in the hands of God, nothing less that complete surrender and openness will do.
We need to let go of our two faithful companions : Hope and Fear.
How many times in my life have I let them go and experienced the great and utter freedom of that moment, only to notice a few years or months down the line that I had picked up hope again.
Hope never comes alone. With hope fear is immediately there, We want to reach nirvana and the fear comes: We may never get there or make a wrong move.
And off we go again on the next round………
